so I have really amazingly vivid and exciting dreams these days, what I believe to be a side effect of some medication which affects my REM sleep cycle. Anyway, last night I dreamt of an owl. It was a little like Harry Potter, haha, and the owl was my companion. It was like meeting any other person; we simply connected and then began to spend all of our time together. It was almost like the owl was an extension of myself. I do not remember it having a name. I had also just met a guy who was becoming my lover, and I would carry the owl over to his house in my arms. As we got closer, the owl would begin to purr with happiness, and I would stroke its feathers. I felt so close to this owl, and I felt a little sad when I awoke and realised that it would be gone. I guess it's still in my subconscious somewhere, so that's nice to think about. I have always really liked owls, and have had dreams about them before, though this one was definitely the most powerful.
I remember having friendships that felt like what I had with my owl companion. I would wake up and think about these people, wonder what they were thinking, and what they do and care about in their lives. I would also attempt to involve myself in these things, because if I did not, I was missing out on a part of myself and my own life.
Another dream I had the other night was about friends. Marita and I were making cupcakes in our apartment. It was winter and, I believe, in the middle of the night. Anyway, we were reminiscing about how crazy I used to be, and how it was so great we were close friends again. Being in Illinois I see Ben around his friends, and it all just seems so natural; so obvious. What do you do on the first day of summer? You call up your buddies, gather and play yard games, smoke bowls, drink beers, laugh, dance, listen to music as loudly as possible, have a fire, and fall asleep with your arm sore from playing beer pong. What did I do? Probably watch TV and feel shitty or something. What happened? Ben is the person I am most comfortable around, and who knows me the best in the entire world. When I am around him, I feel completely safe and I can remember more of the things about who I actually am than I do when alone. It is really frustrating. I have been reading a book about living through/with depression, and one woman talks about how she always struggles with it, but her husband is a companion she absolutely needs in order to remind herself that she is more than a disease and the shitty things that are associated with it. I feel that way about Ben, but since we can't see each other much, I have to rely on myself and maybe even on my other friends who have even known me longer than he has.
Struggling with this has taken a lot out of me, or at least, it has conjured up a lot of things that have overwhelmed the balance I feel like I lack in my life now. It took many years to happen, and I am so scared because I know it will take perhaps years to dig up the light in my soul that is still there, but has become very small indeed. Someday I will write about things that don't always have to do with I.
One of Ben's roommates is a Christian kid who was homeschooled up until highschool, and is now a classical guitar player at NIU. Lately I have been thinking a lot about faith, because it is something that seems to carry a lot of weight in this world, and that, beyond superficial knowledge from school or gleaning from holidays, I know little about. Anyway, Dave and I were talking about selfishness, and how it is a huge problem in out world and that maybe much of what "ails us" is a product of this. As a Christian, Dave strives to invest himself more truly in the teachings of Jesus by doing volunteer work when he can, and trying to think about what he can do for others. I think that I will try to help others more, as I feel enormously guilty for how wasteful of resources and kindness I have been. I think it would be easier to forgive myself if I gave back to others more often.
I dunno, I just needed to write. I used to write with my hands in a real book, but I guess I just need to reach out to others and this is a way to let you all know what I am thinking, whoever you are.
So a while ago I decided that I would not write about myself in a direct way on this, just because I feel like it is a strange medium which I am not so sure about. Who reads this? I mean, really.....
Anyway so I decided I am going to say some stuff.
I can't believe it's already February. This year has turned out pretty well. I am enjoying my daily existence, which has been something I never thought could possibly happen. I feel like I've been in this constant "waiting" phase...waiting to be done with school, waiting to be a little more sane, waiting to not be scared of my friends or being close to people, waiting to be interested in books and learning, etc. etc. I've taken a few things into my own hands for a change. This approach is taking some getting used to, but I like it.
I also have fallen in love with winter, which is pretty awesome considering I live in Michigan and winter is pretty in your face sometimes here.
I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. Most of the people who might read this probably don't really know me, or even have any interest in these things, but that's OK. I'm still here, and I'm kind of shy and reserved now.... I honestly never thought I would be either of those things. But a lot has changed.
I enjoy my solitude, but I guess I have kind of a favor to ask... maybe if there's something fun going on, if you don't mind, would you tell me about it? The other day I realized that literally no one ever calls me to invite me to do things anymore. I know I haven't been the most fun or exciting person to be around for a while, but I would like to reconnect with people again someday. It's been weeks since anyone besides my parents or Ben has called me, and even if someone does call me I'm lucky if it happens more than once a month. It's my own fault, but I guess I'd just like to know I'm not a complete loser that everyone forgot about. I'm still here, but even sometimes I forget.
Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when I interact with people more. I think I will have to before too long. These days I might go all week without talking to more than like six people...my boss, my roommates, my parents, and Ben. I never thought I'd be so disconnected, but I guess that's what happens when you're out of your mind for two years.
I don't want to come off as sad or pathetic...I'm actually really content these days. It's just very strange when I realise how much I've changed, in ways I never planned to or thought would be possible. It's very strange indeed.
You can't take it with you
Dancing for your pleasure
You were not to blame for
Dare not speak his name
Dedicated to all you
all human beings
Because we separate like
ripples on a blank shore
Because we separate like
ripples on a blank shore
Reckonerby radiohead; in rainbows
Take me with you
Dedicated to all you
all human beings
- Music:hear me lord, george harrison all things must pass
As of the 17th of July, if you protest the war (rather, "Threaten Stabalization Efforts in Iraq") the government can take your stuff. Yet another Executive Order we could all have done without. Heil
This is how I'm feeling right now. My boss is gone to Spain. has already been gone for two weeks, and won't be back until next Thursday. I am in charge of all recycling that happens at WMU, and, either her job is way too easy, or I'm incredibly lazy. There are projects that I could do, but they aren't immediate. I like to find other things to do, because procrastination is really sweet. And the internet has lots of fun things to do that are not work. It's kind of bad. I need to get shit done, but am having trouble motivating myself....for the past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I will be productive all day, I swear.
I went to a wedding this past Sunday for my best friend's sister. I have known my friend and her family since I was a year old, and they are very special to me. I hardly see them anymore, though, but that's how it goes sometimes. We all came together, though, to celebrate something and it was really great. My Dad even came (and my Mom, too)! The bride is bi-polar and schizophrenic, completely broke, in lots of debt, and is unable to afford her medication. After watching the film Sicko last week, I recommended that she move to Canada. She is such a good person at heart, but after her dad's suicide when she was in middle school, she has never really seemed to be completely on her feet. From drug abuse, to depression, many suicide attempts, I just hope for the best for her. That's all you can do sometimes.
Cycles. Cycles. Cycles. I see so many lately; so many that are either bad, or damaged, or unnecessary. Most either hurt or do not benefit people, or if they do benefit people, they are the rich assholes most people wish they could be. It makes me really sad. How do we find hope? How do we deal with being supposedly "privileged" in this world, when it seems to be slowly occurring to people that this might not actually be true.....at least if you value real things like happiness and health and fairness and sharing. You know, the good things in life. How do you not be apathetic? How do you project empathy and compassion when you're too busy busting your ass to pay for your pills to think about anyone else? We be strugglin'.
On my way to work I walked past a man wearing a headphones/radio combination, carrying a suitcase and a plastic bag full of cans. He was dirty looking. I was on my way to work, and he was already working. At 7.50 AM, he's working. He smiled at me, toothlessly, said good morning. There was a bounce in his step. Maybe he's the lucky one. Here I am in this office under the flourescent lights, with so many ways to distract myself, "entertain" myself, as I get paid to do pretty much nothing but sit on my ass. Where is this getting me? While he gets to enjoy this beautiful morning, gets to exercise on the job, gets to listen to music on the job. Think in new boxes or outside of old boxes, or recycle those boxes.
Learning to make sense of things is hard sometimes when I'm one person who cannot read minds, basing everything I do and feel on my own experiences. Making sense of the world might entail working to overcome selfishness, in very fundamental way.
So, I'm just going to post this without revising...musing is something I don't usually do in this way. Let's just keep on talkin'.
I am in such a good place, in so many places. Wow. What a relief, feeling free. I've been sick for a really long time, it seems, and I'm so grateful to have finally given myself permission to have this kind of peace of mind. Yesterday I went to the beach and it was really great. I bounded up a dune until my muscles burned, then I ran down it. I think that's how life should be. Once you get to the top and you're all winded, endorphin rush you can just sail down in the breeze with hair flowing in the wind. but watch you're step.
Maybe I just didn't have enough moments like that to remember on (insert negative adjective) days in the cold. Maybe I need some new adjectives. New synapses.
Tomorrow is this holiday that used to be my favorite. One year I even bought an American flag Speedo swimsuit, and I thought I was the coolest person in the world. My best friend and I went to her cottage, and we went out on a boat and watched the fireworks, rocking back and forth on the waves. We came back, and slept out on the dock, falling asleep after the neighbors' post-show show of illegal fireworks from nearby Indiana. I love how laws really really don't matter, but I also hate it. It makes the Fourth of July a little too ironic for me, especially in recent years. What are we celebrating? I don't see much to get riled up about this year, except the hard working friends I have who try so hard to make the changes in themselves and others that they would like to see in the world.
I am so happy to have the energy to join them now, and I am so humbled by the kindness I have received from the people that care about me.
love, love love.
I think that is what I would describe today; cold, rainy in the morning and beautiful, sunny in the afternoon. a nap separated these two parts of the day for me, and my headache's gone now. cold makes me sleepy. jogging up big hills in the sunshine is a lot better.
This weekend my boyfriend is coming to stay with me for a week! He hasn't been back here since xmastime and I'm very much looking forward to it. It's just weird because I am so used to being totally independent; I eat by myself, sleep by myself, decide what I want to do. It is always a challenge getting used to coordinating our time together. And it's not challenging in a bad way, it just makes me realise how much I love him and want to include him in my daily activities. I have enjoyed reclaiming my independence, because I used to be very needy and overly social (compared to what truly makes me happy) and I am so grateful for that. But when it thunderstorms and gets cold for half a day I just wish he was here to nap with me and wake up in the sunshine. Life is good.