This is how I'm feeling right now. My boss is gone to Spain. has already been gone for two weeks, and won't be back until next Thursday. I am in charge of all recycling that happens at WMU, and, either her job is way too easy, or I'm incredibly lazy. There are projects that I could do, but they aren't immediate. I like to find other things to do, because procrastination is really sweet. And the internet has lots of fun things to do that are not work. It's kind of bad. I need to get shit done, but am having trouble motivating myself....for the past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I will be productive all day, I swear.
I went to a wedding this past Sunday for my best friend's sister. I have known my friend and her family since I was a year old, and they are very special to me. I hardly see them anymore, though, but that's how it goes sometimes. We all came together, though, to celebrate something and it was really great. My Dad even came (and my Mom, too)! The bride is bi-polar and schizophrenic, completely broke, in lots of debt, and is unable to afford her medication. After watching the film Sicko last week, I recommended that she move to Canada. She is such a good person at heart, but after her dad's suicide when she was in middle school, she has never really seemed to be completely on her feet. From drug abuse, to depression, many suicide attempts, I just hope for the best for her. That's all you can do sometimes.
Cycles. Cycles. Cycles. I see so many lately; so many that are either bad, or damaged, or unnecessary. Most either hurt or do not benefit people, or if they do benefit people, they are the rich assholes most people wish they could be. It makes me really sad. How do we find hope? How do we deal with being supposedly "privileged" in this world, when it seems to be slowly occurring to people that this might not actually be true.....at least if you value real things like happiness and health and fairness and sharing. You know, the good things in life. How do you not be apathetic? How do you project empathy and compassion when you're too busy busting your ass to pay for your pills to think about anyone else? We be strugglin'.
On my way to work I walked past a man wearing a headphones/radio combination, carrying a suitcase and a plastic bag full of cans. He was dirty looking. I was on my way to work, and he was already working. At 7.50 AM, he's working. He smiled at me, toothlessly, said good morning. There was a bounce in his step. Maybe he's the lucky one. Here I am in this office under the flourescent lights, with so many ways to distract myself, "entertain" myself, as I get paid to do pretty much nothing but sit on my ass. Where is this getting me? While he gets to enjoy this beautiful morning, gets to exercise on the job, gets to listen to music on the job. Think in new boxes or outside of old boxes, or recycle those boxes.
Learning to make sense of things is hard sometimes when I'm one person who cannot read minds, basing everything I do and feel on my own experiences. Making sense of the world might entail working to overcome selfishness, in very fundamental way.
So, I'm just going to post this without revising...musing is something I don't usually do in this way. Let's just keep on talkin'.