make sure to tip toe

dreams, etc.

2008-05-24T22:05:49Z

so I have really amazingly vivid and exciting dreams these days, what I believe to be a side effect of some medication which affects my REM sleep cycle. Anyway, last night I dreamt of an owl. It was a little like Harry Potter, haha, and the owl was my companion. It was like meeting any other person; we simply connected and then began to spend all of our time together. It was almost like the owl was an extension of myself. I do not remember it having a name. I had also just met a guy who was becoming my lover, and I would carry the owl over to his house in my arms. As we got closer, the owl would begin to purr with happiness, and I would stroke its feathers. I felt so close to this owl, and I felt a little sad when I awoke and realised that it would be gone. I guess it's still in my subconscious somewhere, so that's nice to think about. I have always really liked owls, and have had dreams about them before, though this one was definitely the most powerful.
I remember having friendships that felt like what I had with my owl companion. I would wake up and think about these people, wonder what they were thinking, and what they do and care about in their lives. I would also attempt to involve myself in these things, because if I did not, I was missing out on a part of myself and my own life.

Another dream I had the other night was about friends. Marita and I were making cupcakes in our apartment. It was winter and, I believe, in the middle of the night. Anyway, we were reminiscing about how crazy I used to be, and how it was so great we were close friends again. Being in Illinois I see Ben around his friends, and it all just seems so natural; so obvious. What do you do on the first day of summer? You call up your buddies, gather and play yard games, smoke bowls, drink beers, laugh, dance, listen to music as loudly as possible, have a fire, and fall asleep with your arm sore from playing beer pong. What did I do? Probably watch TV and feel shitty or something. What happened? Ben is the person I am most comfortable around, and who knows me the best in the entire world. When I am around him, I feel completely safe and I can remember more of the things about who I actually am than I do when alone. It is really frustrating. I have been reading a book about living through/with depression, and one woman talks about how she always struggles with it, but her husband is a companion she absolutely needs in order to remind herself that she is more than a disease and the shitty things that are associated with it. I feel that way about Ben, but since we can't see each other much, I have to rely on myself and maybe even on my other friends who have even known me longer than he has.

Struggling with this has taken a lot out of me, or at least, it has conjured up a lot of things that have overwhelmed the balance I feel like I lack in my life now. It took many years to happen, and I am so scared because I know it will take perhaps years to dig up the light in my soul that is still there, but has become very small indeed. Someday I will write about things that don't always have to do with I.

One of Ben's roommates is a Christian kid who was homeschooled up until highschool, and is now a classical guitar player at NIU. Lately I have been thinking a lot about faith, because it is something that seems to carry a lot of weight in this world, and that, beyond superficial knowledge from school or gleaning from holidays, I know little about. Anyway, Dave and I were talking about selfishness, and how it is a huge problem in out world and that maybe much of what "ails us" is a product of this. As a Christian, Dave strives to invest himself more truly in the teachings of Jesus by doing volunteer work when he can, and trying to think about what he can do for others. I think that I will try to help others more, as I feel enormously guilty for how wasteful of resources and kindness I have been. I think it would be easier to forgive myself if I gave back to others more often.

I dunno, I just needed to write. I used to write with my hands in a real book, but I guess I just need to reach out to others and this is a way to let you all know what I am thinking, whoever you are.

Love,

E.

thoughts, etc.

2008-02-03T15:41:44Z

So a while ago I decided that I would not write about myself in a direct way on this, just because I feel like it is a strange medium which I am not so sure about. Who reads this? I mean, really.....

Anyway so I decided I am going to say some stuff.
I can't believe it's already February. This year has turned out pretty well. I am enjoying my daily existence, which has been something I never thought could possibly happen. I feel like I've been in this constant "waiting" phase...waiting to be done with school, waiting to be a little more sane, waiting to not be scared of my friends or being close to people, waiting to be interested in books and learning, etc. etc. I've taken a few things into my own hands for a change. This approach is taking some getting used to, but I like it.

I also have fallen in love with winter, which is pretty awesome considering I live in Michigan and winter is pretty in your face sometimes here.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. Most of the people who might read this probably don't really know me, or even have any interest in these things, but that's OK. I'm still here, and I'm kind of shy and reserved now.... I honestly never thought I would be either of those things. But a lot has changed.

I enjoy my solitude, but I guess I have kind of a favor to ask... maybe if there's something fun going on, if you don't mind, would you tell me about it? The other day I realized that literally no one ever calls me to invite me to do things anymore. I know I haven't been the most fun or exciting person to be around for a while, but I would like to reconnect with people again someday. It's been weeks since anyone besides my parents or Ben has called me, and even if someone does call me I'm lucky if it happens more than once a month. It's my own fault, but I guess I'd just like to know I'm not a complete loser that everyone forgot about. I'm still here, but even sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when I interact with people more. I think I will have to before too long. These days I might go all week without talking to more than like six people...my boss, my roommates, my parents, and Ben. I never thought I'd be so disconnected, but I guess that's what happens when you're out of your mind for two years.

I don't want to come off as sad or pathetic...I'm actually really content these days. It's just very strange when I realise how much I've changed, in ways I never planned to or thought would be possible. It's very strange indeed.

i paid five dollars.

2007-11-16T16:28:54Z

Reckoner

You can't take it with you
Dancing for your pleasure

You were not to blame for
Bittersweet distractor
Dare not speak his name
Dedicated to all you
all human beings

Because we separate like
ripples on a blank shore
(in rainbows)
Because we separate like
ripples on a blank shore
(in rainbows)

Reckoner

Take me with you
Dedicated to all you
all human beings

by radiohead; in rainbows

Fascism is the new Black.

2007-07-19T14:00:18Z

As of the 17th of July, if you protest the war (rather, "Threaten Stabalization Efforts in Iraq") the government can take your stuff. Yet another Executive Order we could all have done without.

Heil

So busy multitasking I can't get anything done.

2007-07-12T13:27:36Z

This is how I'm feeling right now. My boss is gone to Spain. has already been gone for two weeks, and won't be back until next Thursday. I am in charge of all recycling that happens at WMU, and, either her job is way too easy, or I'm incredibly lazy. There are projects that I could do, but they aren't immediate. I like to find other things to do, because procrastination is really sweet. And the internet has lots of fun things to do that are not work. It's kind of bad. I need to get shit done, but am having trouble motivating myself....for the past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I will be productive all day, I swear.

I went to a wedding this past Sunday for my best friend's sister. I have known my friend and her family since I was a year old, and they are very special to me. I hardly see them anymore, though, but that's how it goes sometimes. We all came together, though, to celebrate something and it was really great. My Dad even came (and my Mom, too)! The bride is bi-polar and schizophrenic, completely broke, in lots of debt, and is unable to afford her medication. After watching the film Sicko last week, I recommended that she move to Canada. She is such a good person at heart, but after her dad's suicide when she was in middle school, she has never really seemed to be completely on her feet. From drug abuse, to depression, many suicide attempts, I just hope for the best for her. That's all you can do sometimes.

Cycles. Cycles. Cycles. I see so many lately; so many that are either bad, or damaged, or unnecessary. Most either hurt or do not benefit people, or if they do benefit people, they are the rich assholes most people wish they could be. It makes me really sad. How do we find hope? How do we deal with being supposedly "privileged" in this world, when it seems to be slowly occurring to people that this might not actually be true.....at least if you value real things like happiness and health and fairness and sharing. You know, the good things in life. How do you not be apathetic? How do you project empathy and compassion when you're too busy busting your ass to pay for your pills to think about anyone else? We be strugglin'.

On my way to work I walked past a man wearing a headphones/radio combination, carrying a suitcase and a plastic bag full of cans. He was dirty looking. I was on my way to work, and he was already working. At 7.50 AM, he's working. He smiled at me, toothlessly, said good morning. There was a bounce in his step. Maybe he's the lucky one. Here I am in this office under the flourescent lights, with so many ways to distract myself, "entertain" myself, as I get paid to do pretty much nothing but sit on my ass. Where is this getting me? While he gets to enjoy this beautiful morning, gets to exercise on the job, gets to listen to music on the job. Think in new boxes or outside of old boxes, or recycle those boxes.

Learning to make sense of things is hard sometimes when I'm one person who cannot read minds, basing everything I do and feel on my own experiences. Making sense of the world might entail working to overcome selfishness, in very fundamental way.

So, I'm just going to post this without revising...musing is something I don't usually do in this way. Let's just keep on talkin'.

SWEET

2007-07-11T12:44:56Z

I love love LOVE it when something makes my day, and it's only 8.44 AM. This is so awesome!!

Man flies 193 miles in a lawn chair with balloons tied to it.

FOX News takes the cake, yet again

2007-07-09T12:46:03Z

This is a video clip of a story from Fox saying that Mr. Rogers has made our generation lazy and spoiled; that we have a sense of "entitlement" and are unwilling to actually work to improve ourselves.........and it is Mr. Roger's fault.....because he told kids that "you are special because you are you." Wow.

http://rawstory.com/news/2007/FOX_Did_Mr._Rogers_ruin_entire_0706.html

i rest my case

2007-07-06T12:36:24Z

(SIGH)

http://www.eightballmagazine.com/diatribes/volume02/034/708.htm

its time to move, kids.

it's about time

2007-07-03T13:44:58Z

I am in such a good place, in so many places. Wow. What a relief, feeling free. I've been sick for a really long time, it seems, and I'm so grateful to have finally given myself permission to have this kind of peace of mind. Yesterday I went to the beach and it was really great. I bounded up a dune until my muscles burned, then I ran down it. I think that's how life should be. Once you get to the top and you're all winded, endorphin rush you can just sail down in the breeze with hair flowing in the wind. but watch you're step.

Maybe I just didn't have enough moments like that to remember on (insert negative adjective) days in the cold. Maybe I need some new adjectives. New synapses.

Tomorrow is this holiday that used to be my favorite. One year I even bought an American flag Speedo swimsuit, and I thought I was the coolest person in the world. My best friend and I went to her cottage, and we went out on a boat and watched the fireworks, rocking back and forth on the waves. We came back, and slept out on the dock, falling asleep after the neighbors' post-show show of illegal fireworks from nearby Indiana. I love how laws really really don't matter, but I also hate it. It makes the Fourth of July a little too ironic for me, especially in recent years. What are we celebrating? I don't see much to get riled up about this year, except the hard working friends I have who try so hard to make the changes in themselves and others that they would like to see in the world.

I am so happy to have the energy to join them now, and I am so humbled by the kindness I have received from the people that care about me.
love, love love.

yin yang day

2007-05-16T22:39:24Z

I think that is what I would describe today; cold, rainy in the morning and beautiful, sunny in the afternoon. a nap separated these two parts of the day for me, and my headache's gone now. cold makes me sleepy. jogging up big hills in the sunshine is a lot better.

This weekend my boyfriend is coming to stay with me for a week! He hasn't been back here since xmastime and I'm very much looking forward to it. It's just weird because I am so used to being totally independent; I eat by myself, sleep by myself, decide what I want to do. It is always a challenge getting used to coordinating our time together. And it's not challenging in a bad way, it just makes me realise how much I love him and want to include him in my daily activities. I have enjoyed reclaiming my independence, because I used to be very needy and overly social (compared to what truly makes me happy) and I am so grateful for that. But when it thunderstorms and gets cold for half a day I just wish he was here to nap with me and wake up in the sunshine. Life is good.

well well well

2007-05-15T14:53:34Z

It has now been almost a month since school ended. It's hard to believe. I am enjoying my time thoroughly, all warm and cozy summertime type stuff. the beaches, the dresses, gentle breezes, fresh salsa, my lover, seeing the sunrise almost everyday (sometimes running in it), picking daisies on my way to work, painting with colors, keepin my room clean, sunglasses, reading about africa, beers and beers, a new close friend....all sorts of important things, right?

I'm scared of the real world, but that's OK (I think).

soon: music, tennessee, boy, jerk chicken, miso soup, gardens, upper peninsulas, a drum, a hammock, funkmusicdanceparty, BOOM!!

lovelovelove

fundamental(ism)s

2007-04-20T15:52:36Z

http://www.alternet.org/story/50732

I would like to encourage everyone to read this article, as it is what has inspired me to write this morning.

For a while I have been toying with the idea of possibly moving from the United States. I generally second guess myself because the only other country I have been to is Mexico, and was there for only a week. If I have spent the rest of my 21 years here in America, how do I know I would like to move? Or, for that matter, to where? When I talk about this with other people, there are three general resonses: 1) it's really no different anywhere else; all places have their problems, so why leave friends and family for a place that might not be any better? 2) leaving America right now is merely jumping ship when it is actually the time to bust ass trying to get all the zombies to turn off their TVs and open their eyes; escaping is just as bad as being one of them, and 3) GET THE HELL OUT WHILE YOU CAN. All of these concepts are valid in many ways, and so weighing them against one another is difficult.

However, this morning I read the aforementioned article, and it got me thinking: I think option 3 is definitely correct. I think what really got me was where they talk about people gardening naked in the article, because that's something I REALLY enjoy doing. I love to sunbathe naked, swim naked, sleep naked, just BE naked. But it is illegal here. So is marijuana, so is lsd....but McDonald's ISNT? And Prozac, or Oreos? I mean, come on. I'm tired of these stupid laws stopping me from enjoying the things in life that I actually really value, such as nudity and psychadelic experiences. I don't see why I should stick around here and try to convince brain washed born again Christians why I should not only be allowed to go get my mail topless, but that they should probably go ahead and give it a shot too. What would it be like to launch a campaign like that, to try to change one of the most engrained cornerstones of our lives: closing ourselves off from others in every way possible, even with clothes. And so many people here flip out about Muslim women wearing Hijab?? Really, I don't see much difference in our culture. Sure, I can wear a bikini, but I can still get arrested if I take it off. And that law is based on the Puritan Christian roots of this country. The dress code is ordained by God.

So, yeah. I don't really need some imaginary entity in the sky telling me I can get arrested for gardening naked. And not only that I can't smoke a joint and drink a bottle of wine at the beach either, let alone get some sunshine on my ass. Yup folks, I'm gettin the hell out, and I suggest you do the same.

e.

morning

2007-04-16T13:54:51Z

my my is it beautiful out. everyday i wake up and look out my window and watch the sunrise. it is such an amazing thing that i havent seen much of since middle/high school when i was forced to wake up early every day. now i choose to, for my job, and it is actually a really great way to live. i used to be such a hardcore night owl for most of my life, but now i start getting tired as soon as it gets dark. cheers to summertime, health, fresh salsa, road trips, working and playing hard. its all wrapped up in my heart and im looking forward to it, as i take my time completing my degree.

i have been approaching college with such a laid back perspective. i generally take as few credit hours as possible, and only take one or two during the summer. i'm just not a workaholic...you might even say im lazy. but really, im just preoccupied. i dont really trust the job market enough to take having a degree all that seriously. i dont really forsee our economic infrastructure, where success is generally associated with having a degree right?, being very viable into the future. so why should i bust my ass and sacrifice time that i enjoy spending doing other things, for this fragile and uncertain future? sounds like putting all those eggs in one basket to me.

this summer i have some definite goals, which include learning to care for myself in some very fundamental and thusfar lacking ways, gardening, practicing spanish a whole lot, exercising, going to the beach with my friends, and being in love thoroughly & deeply in the summer for the first time in my life. also dying yarn and making warm things to sell in the winter, fruit salad, reading all the new yorker magazines i have been collecting and missing out on because of other assigned reading, art, yoga. why would i want to spend my time any other way if i dont have to? i think im a little idealistic and spoiled, but oh well. i really dont think this earth needs more stressed, unhappy people.

lizfuck @ 2007-04-12T23:38:00

2007-04-13T03:39:07Z

breakfast lunch dinner.

hay muchas posibilidades para desayunar. me gusto comer fruta y cafe. para almuerzo come ensalada, fruta y un sandwich todos los dias. todavia quiero curry. en el verano puedo comer como muchas melocotones como yo quiero y hago pesto fresco con basil de mi jardin. me encanta el sol y mi amante. la vida buena esta en mi puerta, ¿Por qué no viene adentro?

mmmm

2007-01-05T06:25:39Z

The Blue sky opens out farther and farther,
the daily sense of failure goes away,
the damage I have done to myself fades,
a million suns come forward with light,
when I sit firmly in that world.

--not by me but im not sure who

death penalty map

2006-12-31T19:58:11Z

this is pretty interesting

nostalgia

2006-12-15T06:18:18Z

I live in a frequency, 
Where action rules, 
That God is me, 
In a war against my body, 
In the poetry of poverty. 
'Cause it's the rich ones who make it, 
'Cause it's the rich ones who have the guts to take it. 
They feel fine. 
They feel fine. 

Check out complainer by the bar, 
Let's kick his ass and make him beg for more, 
Let's line him up, 
And make him scream and shout, 
And show him he's got nothing to complain about. 

'Cause I believe in the groove complacent, 
So jack me up and fuck me up with entertainment, 
Yeah, I feel fine.

Bran Van 3000 -- Problems

whoopsie daisy!

2006-12-14T22:53:51Z

one of those days

i really hope they listen

movie & information

question

2006-12-02T00:34:55Z

would anyone like to eat at bangkok flavor with me tomorrow?
e.

travels

2006-11-17T06:35:23Z

Today I am in Iowa. Specifically, Grinnell College. I like it here. This is not my computer. This is not my couch. These are not my friends....but they could be? (the friends at least, haha) ANYWAY, I got here today, and would like to inform the general public the follwing facts:
-it takes like 7.5 hours to get here, if you drive at least 80 mph and don't run into any traffic jams.
-Iowa is not flat; it has rolling hills and can be hazy and have pretty sunsets
-there are barns
-there is corn
-there is a college called Grinnell
-the dominant kind of soil here is called Mollisol--it is the badass stuff left behind by the glacier a while back, and is the best kind of soil for growing things
-it's only dirt if it's inside; soil if it's outside
-dekalb illinois is on the way if you want it to be
-sometimes i cant be in kalamazoo and if it means not doing homework and stuff i could honestly care only a little TEENY TINY bit less
-iowa is in the central time zone, so, according to my body it is actually 1.40 AM. I awoke at 7.30 AM EST, so that means I am really tired right now.

i think that's enough education for tonight.
cya

so useful imsure

2006-10-10T21:44:18Z

1. FIRST NAME: Elizabeth
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: yeah, my grandma
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?: like 2 weeks ago, but before that it had been a while.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? whatever, its legible.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?: pastrami
6. KIDS?: i like em
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?: yup
8 DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?: i have a paper and a plastic one, yeah
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? i thinkso?
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?: nope!
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? yes i would
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?: if i can't get them off any other way
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? im stronger than i used to be, physically and mentally
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?: anything really horrible for you, slathered in sugary sauces.
16. SHOE SIZE?: 8.5
17. RED OR PINK?: red
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?: i get distracted by love
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?: ben, megan, katie
20. DO YOU LIKE ANYONE?: even a little more than like
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING?: no pants. im actually in my bathrobe in bed. no shoes. yes it is 5 PM, i know i know.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE?: an apple
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?: this frickin loud computer!
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: one of those crayons that you can make where you mix tons of colors by melting them in a muffin tin. a conglomerate.
25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?: food i guess. or good pot.
26. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: ben, im talking to him right now
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO?: not really sure
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO POSTED THIS?: sure
29. FAVORITE DRINK?: kombucha, water, tea, beer, cider
30. FAVORITE SPORT? watching basketball. playing ultimate frisbee
31. HAIR COLOR?: dishwater blonde with red and blonde hilites, its all crazy and totally natural. i cant believe i used to dye it!
32. EYE COLOR?: green
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?: yeah just got em
34. FAVORITE FOOD?: Anything good--tasty, fresh, quality. no bullshit.
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?: depends on the movie
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?: Perfect Blue, this crazy anime
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?: red bathrobe.
40. FAVORITE DESSERT?: oh man dont ask me this, its impossible to answer
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?: to what?
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: ...
44 WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? no mousepad
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV?: dont have a tv
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS?: summer bugs at night, good music, rain, thunder, cooking sounds
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?: beatles
48 THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? mexico
49 TALENT?: cooking
50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: October 13, 1985 in Pittsfield, Massachusetts

hmmm...

2006-08-23T13:46:41Z

Something I found in an old newspaper from the 50s:

"UNLESS SOMETHING DONE NOW: Horrible 'Super Cities' Near"

WASHINGTON, One hundred million Americans will be living in seven incredibly congested "super cities" by the year 2000 unless the nation begins planning now to avoid it, a Michigan architect says.

Robert Snyder, head of the Dept. of Architecture at Cranbrook Academy of Art, Bloomfield Hills, Mich., told a congressional committee yesterday that the prospect of such an ant-like existence by millions of Americans is "absolutely appalling."

Snyder said the nation needs a cabinet-level Secretary of Urban Affairs "more desperately than we need our Secretary of Agriculture," to plan for a U.S. population of 320 million 40 years from now.

He said the alternative to super-cities, with populations ranging from 7 to 23 million, could be hundreds of smaller cities ranging in population from 60,000 to 120,000.

A 10-year study at Cranbrook has shown this to be the ideal-sized city to permit fullest development of the individual, Snyder said. He said a decentralization process of a sort already has begun, "born primarily out of the search for identity."

"Because of the big cities' inability to provide man with this feeling of individuality, those who can afford it escape to the suburbs, leaving behind those who can least afford the necessary tax revenue to build the expressways to get Mr. Suburbanite back into the city to perform his daily tasks."

Snyder, testifying at a House Banking Subcommittee hearing on urban renewal problems, said the concept of urban renewal will nto make big cities a fit place to live in the future.

About the only real beneficiaries, he said, are teh slum landlords who permit the property to become blighted, then unload it at exorbitant prices for urban renewal perposes.

When the property is re-developed, he said, new occupants move into public housing or luxury-type aparment units.

"For the average man who must pay most of the bill," he said, "urban renewal offers no housing at all."

hmmm

2006-08-21T02:22:07Z

I feel like my best friend just moved away.....

because he did.

In other news, I have moved into a new room in a new house, my arms have big ol muscles on them (which I will wrestle with at any moment, so be ready), and I didn't know how much I had missed my own bed!

I like sharing space with more people. It makes a lot more sense.
<3

blah

2006-04-08T01:08:36Z

"This Mess We're In"
by PJ Harvey

Can you hear them?
The helicopters?
I'm in New York
No need for words now
We sit in silence
You look me
In the eye directly
You met me
I think it's Wednesday
The evening
The mess we're in and
The city sun sets over me

Night and day
I dream of
Making-love
To you now baby
Love-making
On-screen
Impossible dream
And I have seen
The sunrise
Over the river
The freeway
Reminding
Of this mess we're in and
The city sun sets over me

What were you wanting?
I just want to say
Don't ever change now baby
And thank you
I don't think we will meet again
And you must leave now
Before the sunrise
Above skyscrapers
The sin and
This mess we're in and
The city sun sets over me

cant resist..

2006-04-03T04:54:42Z

click me.